Dealing With Loss

My wife will be buried 15 years ago tomorrow. She was sick a long time with various illnesses, but mostly diabetes which eventually took over her body and her internal organs, thus caused her body to slowly shut down. She took her meds as prescribed without fail, but, to be honest here, she just didn't take care of herself the way a diabetic should. Enough said about that. I know others who do the same thing. I hate it, but they will suffer the consequences in the long run.

Dealing with her death and the loss thereafter has been a cycle of many feelings, actions, and emotions. I've cried until I had no more tears or breath left. I have raged at the top of my lungs at her and, I hate to admit it, God. But has that done any good? Oh hell no. It has just made me feel good for a few minutes, then the BIG letdown comes and I know I have hurt no one but myself. 

So after I pulled my head out of my proverbial ass and got my crap together I decided that I could mourn gracefully and thankfully. Thanking God for not making her suffer any longer was the first step. Next, I had to learn how to manage on my own. That involved running the house, paying the bills and taking of business of living, while still working two jobs and trying to keep my soul together.

I mastered it finally. Now after 15 years, I have learned to live alone. I like being alone, I don't get particularly lonely, so that helps. I like being retired. I like doing stuff my way and not having to share. I can get up when I want to, go to bed when I want to, watch what I want to on the television. I have learned to live without the intimate moments that we shared. Do without sex long enough it no longer is the be all, best thing, and you don't miss it so much. I do miss the togetherness, the rides we took, the smart discussions we had about just about everything. I miss her sense of humor, her laugh and her kindness towards me that never faltered. That being said, I have adjusted.

People ask me if I ever consider remarrying! Yes, they do, can you believe that? I always give a polite smile and a hearty laugh and say, "no."  I guess when you've had a good wife, and a good marriage, yet had to sit by her bedside and watch her draw her last breath, you don't want to take that chance again.

I have my kids and grands. I have excellent friends and I have my hobbies and activities that I participate in. What more is there? Life still keeps going on. The world didn't stop for my broken heart. I felt like it should, but know that it just keeps spinning. So, I just keep on keeping on. That's life no matter which lane you're in!

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Rambling Thoughts of Mine

I have spent a lot of time out on my screened porch this summer. Admittingly, I am a nosy cuss and wonder sometimes about the people in my neighborhood and beyond.  As I sit and ponder the world around me, these thought begin to ramble through my older, but still sharp (most of the time) brain. 1.  How do the couple that live across the street from me expect to train their German Shepherd pup when they give entirely different signals, words and voice tones when they are out with him. Tiger is a beautiful black and orangish dog who looks full grown, but is still a pup at a little over a year. Most of the time he looks confused by what his owners are trying to tell or ask him. I know nothing about training a dog, but my experiences with a Keeshond and a Pug along the way is that consistency is crucial. The owners are sure not consistent and add two teenage girls to their mix and it's no wonder poor Tiger is confused. 2.  Another neighbor who recently lost his wife has to le...
Read more

Being Content in My Advanced Years

 I have to face it, I am old. Some say that 77 is the new 55, but I dispute that theory. I know what it was like at age 55, and this ain't it, kid! Contentment is crucial to my existence today.  I live alone. My life partner passed away many years ago (15) and the years since have been a series of ups and downs for me. Adjusting to living alone was the big hurdle. Learning how the checkbook was kept was another and just managing to get everything within and without the house was a daunting thing facing me every day. I was only 62 and still working. I was gone a lot. When I was home, I had lots of things to do to keep me occupied. Cooking, cleaning, laundry, bill-paying, mowing the lawn etc., etc. kept me busy. Then came retirement. I had lots of time to get all the mundane stuff done. I began developing my few hobbies a bit more. I began to read more. I learned how to crochet. I took a class and learned, and the constant repetition of the hook and yarn was calming and certainl...
Read more